A stay at home personal feelings

Can you be lonely when you stay at home? Can you truly find happiness cleaning, doing the laundry, running errand and making food for your spouse. Regardless if your the man or woman that's staying at home, today is the day that you should speak out. Let your voice be heard, just use caution. You never know how your words can and will effect your life and the others around you.

I take your hot lunch to you everyday, you say thank you and say it taste good. I go home and clean our home and wash your clothes. All the while I'm thinking of what I should cook for dinner. Every piece of clothes I fold I'm reminded of your smile, your warmth, and the way I feel safe around you. I start thinking of how much I wish you would call and say "I'm coming home early, because I miss you."

I go to our bedroom and make the bed. I smile and close my eyes thinking of our lovemaking the night before. He tender and attentive you were. Your strong hands caressing my body, your beautiful lips lavishing kisses all over my body. A small yearning moan escapes my lips wishing you would magically be behind me, hug me and kiss me on my neck. Oh my dear, don't you know that being in our bedroom is a form of punishment for me when you aren't here.

Preparing dinner I look to my left and I can see you standing there with your arms crossed standing tall telling me how your day has been. Slowly you give me a sexy smile and wink at me. I start smelling the food burning and I realize that without you my life is meaningless. My heart hurts in sadness and yearning for the day to end until my visions of you become a reality once more.

Staying at home is a sweet punishment that I dread when I wake up but I look forward once he day ends. I never new knew that staying at home would teach me and show me how much loving you is a constant growth. How much my life is full of despair when you are not around. Staying at home makes me appreciate you more and my chores are always done with love.

I'm never lonely because you are always on my mind, I find happiness in cleaning, doing the laundry, running errands and making food for you because I'm giving you more love. My love for you fills me with happiness, I wouldn't want anything else.

Closing A Door and Opening A New One

Pick the cleaners, pack our bags.. Think, think. My Brian freezes in excitement knowing that this unexpected trip can mean opportunities of success. "I feel like throwing up." " ok just lay down and I'll finish packing." I replied. I turned to look at my husband seeing his skin beaming pasty. Feeling the knots in my stomach getting tighter I must take a breath to calm myself.

" Remember my work bag, and my clap machine honey." My husband mumbled. "Don't worry babe that's the first thing I packed. Do you enter me to pack anything else?" I askd. "No, I'm sure you can pack all I need. I'm really nervous." "Of course honey, it's something new. Just remember that if they didn't trust you then they wouldn't be giving you this opportunity." "Ok, do you know that I love you." " I love you to. Now let me finish packing so we can get on the road." Smiling and patting his butt I walked away with the suitcase to pack it in the car.

My body is quivering with excitement, this is the opportunity that we could have been waiting for. So much sacrificing that finally God has granted us a blessing. I wish I could see the future, to know if this was a good decision. I guess we will find out once this little adventure is done.

Closing the cars trunk I look at the beautiful sky thinking... God if you are up there please help us with this move, let this be the right decision because this is the only thing we got.

Sexual Puppet

Your lying beside me and I feel safe, I see your light brown skin naked and I have the urge to touch and feel how soft it is. You mouth is slight open and I imagine me licking them softly and slowly entering my tongue inside, OH how sweet does it feel to know that even in sleep I can create and feel the sensation of our love making. How can I resist your body, you have power over me and I cannot resist. Tonight I want to make wake you up with slowly and hear your soft moan letting me know that you are enjoying the teasing that I am giving you.. I have to resist, I can't lick your soft welcoming lips nor your soft naked skin that is beside me. I have to resist the urge of making you mine again tonight.

I know you have pain and that if I turn you on you will hurt more in the morning. For now I'll let my imagination satisfy me. Tonight I will use the art I have learned through out life of pleasuring myself. With you beside me it won't be hard, I just truly hope that my moans wont wake you up and give you the urge to make love to me. I know if that happens I wouldn't be able to resist.

My Love my Husband do you realize that I am addicted to your smile your touch your kisses and even your tongue all over my body. How can I resist the man that in our bed turns me into his slave, sex toy. Do you realize that any wishes or fantasies you have I will do. I don't have any morals or values the instant your eyes become dark with passion and you give me a sloppy and slow kiss. Your arms around me makes me tremble in anticipation of the sex we will have...

Do you know I can't resist you, I am your body, soul and mind. Your will is my command, I am your willing puppet that will do anything in the sheets. Your the man that had put me in my place, that has showed me that when making love only your wishes, your will I eagerly follow and look forward to. 

My husband please know that I am your slave and willingly puppet that will become anything just by the seeing the dark passion in your eyes. I beg you to always keep me as your pet, spank me, choke me, call me the names you always say, I am that and more in the bedroom. 

What do I need to do to fix it?

Do you realize how much I love you? How much you hurt me when you ignore me. I need you in order to to keep sane, to rationalize my life. Without you in my life I can't seem to function. Tell me the reason why you left and I swear to you that I will fix it. No matter what it is, how I will do it, as long as it gets you back into my life I will do whatever I need to do.

Do you know that I stay up at night thinking about you? Do you know that my heart aches and the beating of it slows just a fraction each day when you aren't around. Can't you see the pain you are causing me. Tell me what I need to do to fix it. Ill do whatever it takes.

Is it money that you need? Is it more attention? Is it the way I handle you?  We use to be so close we shared everything. Now you feel like a stranger. What can I do to fix it, Ill do anything you want me to do. Come back and set me free... 

My Blanking Mind

Every time I turn you on and get ready to punch a key my mind freeze's. Why is it that in 12 years I look into my imagination well and I see nothing but blackness. A never ending black hole that I can even see a hint of light or a ray of hope. How do I wish for the words to flow out of my mind into my fingers and onto this sheet of paper as it did 12 years ago. It doesn't though. I sit here for one, ten, thirty minutes and all I see in a blank page laughing back at me. No I can't go through this day after day. I have to find release, I know there is something inside that well. I have to keep working, keep thinking, I know eventually the words will not only but they will flood my mind and my pore hands won't be able to write fast enough.

I have so many untold stories that could be share but this mind blocking fog is not lifting. Help someone please HELP ME find a way to lift this endless black fog. I want to tell my stories, I want to share my emotions, I just don't know when they went away. How do I get my best friend my Imagination back in full force.

Hopefully tomorrow will be the day. Even though I do not see the ray of light I know its there, small but yet so bright that eventually it will break free...

A Stolen Moment

We are riding to a destination that you tell me... "It's a surprise, I hope you like it." I turn to you and smile shyly. I don't know what to think nor what to say. You know how I hate surprises but what can I do when you come and tell me that you have one for me. For almost 3 years you have never surprised me, you haven't been able to keep anything from me. What has changed, why the changed.... 

I asked you over a year ago that I needed you to be more romantic, that I needed that thrill. Finally you are giving it to me and my stomach is in knots. I've been so curious since last night but I promised not to go snooping around your phone. I didn't I'm so proud of myself. You my husband of close to 3 years is finally giving me a surprise and I'm so nervous that I just sit here on the passenger side of our car looking at the streets pass by me. Wondering and hoping that I truly like the surprise.

San Jose Rose Garden I see a plaque on what seems like a park that we are driving by. I start to get goosebumps. I look at your face and your smiling. "Are we going there?!" I asked excited. "Yes we are, do you like the surprise?" You asked with a worried look. "Of course honey! You know I love going to these places. Thank you so much honey! You are so amazing!!" I squiggle in the car so excited just like a five year old excited about going to a birthday party. 

"I know we haven't been spending a lot of time together so I though that this would be our moment with just us." He said softly in my ear. "Yes honey, it is our moment together away from everyone. Our stolen moment and hopefully we have more of them... you... think?" I asked sweetly. 

"of course we my queen, you will be having more of these surprises." You hugged me and slowly looking down on me with those beautiful brown eyes I tilt my head up for a kiss of your soft, gentle lips. What a sweet beginning to stolen moments with you.

Writing Dilema

What can I do when I don't feel like I am inspired to write. I know it has to become a routine but It seems like I don't have time this time around. And I literally mean no time. I have been helping hubbies mom with some house choirs. The good thing is that she has stopped cooking so I'm happy about that. Now I can actually start cooking for my hubby so I like that very very much.

Hopefully next week we have our bed build. Seems like one part came in but not the other part. I truly hope that the rest comes in this weekend like that we can set up our room exactly how we would like for it to be. The Family might not like how we set it up but I think the point is that we do. I'm sure that we will too. I need hubby to build the wooden boxes for me. Like that I can stuff them with more things. It seems like there are more drawers that are empty but of course we still have clothes from the dry cleaning that we need to go and take. Hopefully that can be taken care of tomorrow.

My hubby has a surprise for me tomorrow. I don't know where we are going but I'm sure am going to be happy that we are going to be out of the house. I have been coupe up here for a while now and would like to go out somewhere.

Maybe being out is going to help with my inspiration for drawing and writing.

Having this virtual journal I like very much. Why do you ask. Because I am sure that no one will read it except my hubby or me. Once I don't have this computer though I do not know how I am going to save these entries. I know I have done this so many times but I think maybe this will be right for me. So far I have been keeping up a couple of days in between. Not as often as I would like but I think often then before. Maybe this will also help me write more and bring back my inspiration.

Yes I know this entry is not about the week or from what I have been through but I am done writing separate journals for personal and writing. Everything is going to be on here I think will be better. As long as I stay on topic I think I will be fine.

I am going to try to time myself. I keep reading that this helps a lot of writers start to get inspiration on their work. Hopefully this will also help me. I am going to try my best and see if I do the same. Time myself everyday. First for 5 mins and then increase one minute after that. Going to the library will also help I think too. Somewhere outside of here lol.. For that I need to find a close library and then go by bike like that I don't have to use the family car. I feel bad using the car all the time. If I use the bike then I can still keep my independence and at the same time exercise.  Hmmm… I think that will be good Ill do that. Insha'Allah that will help me with my writers block.

Anyway I think that is enough for this entry. If I think of something else to write about Ill post it on here too.

Life

Whats Life

Is it school?

Is it food?

I don’t know

but would want to know

Is Life

my own,

or hers?

Our life is combine

For we agree life is

Also death

But the real meaning

of Life

is a remaining gape

for no one knows

Whats Life

Or probably

the definition

is in her

or him

or maybe in

Death

The Questions, No Answers

Why is there sarrow

and why is there tomorrow

Why is there life

and why is there death

See if you can help me

to answer these questions, please!

Is there any love,

for you and me?

Is there any wars,

Between them and us?

Why don't they leave us in peace?

I tell myself

there’s questions

there’s answer’s

There’s also dancer’s

But the questions remain

Is there a tomorrow?

Pause In Work

Thank you for your patience, writing is a passion for me and not being able to these past couple of days have been really hard. I hope that I have interested enough to subscribe.

I do have some old written compositions that are scheduled to post on here for the upcoming days. Please let me know what you think. Any feed back good or bad (as long as it is respectful) is greatly appreciated.

Fake Justice

Justice is done

Justice is fun

They say “run!”

We accuse

We demand

We see are view

We don’t see theirs

She’s accused

I’m accused

for something rude

It’s not our fault

to be accused

The innocent

which have done no harm

So accuse me and not her

And you could say

Justice is done

A Love

A love is someone you care about

A love gives you happiness

but not destruction

A love gives oneself

It shares

It also receives your love

but it will never hate

A Friend

I have a friend

That was a friend

for a long time

She’s kind

She’s blind

one what she does

I tell her no

but she says yes

I try and take her “friends”away

but she’s stubborn like me

I guess that’s why we are

friends

She’s nice

She’s blind

but all I could do

Is, help her

make her world

Fresh

and start

Again

A Child's First Grief

 Jumping out of my mothers arm I run screaming "NO" towards the back door of our apartment. Looking in horror through the back door I see our fence on the ground. Our back yard exposed to the street. "Coqueta!" I scream at the top of my lungs. "Get in here!" my mother screams at me. "Coqueta!" I kept screaming ignoring her call. I dash through the small 6 by 8 yard we have trying to see if I can find my black and white 3 month old dog. I felt my mother trying to grab my arm in order for me to stop my hysterical look for my beloved dog. "Stop it, come inside" She said more roughly. "No, I need to find her mom, don't you understand!" I turned to her and what I see in her eyes makes me crumble in defeat. I let a howl and leap into her arms knowing that I wouldn't ever see my 2 month old dog again.
Taking me into the apartment she slowly lays me on her bed. "Stay here ok, I'll bring you some water" she whispers softly. Giving me a loving kiss on the forehead she leaves the room. All I could do is stare at the ceiling and cry, my mind is blank, my heart doesn't feel like its beating, and my body feels exhausted as if I just finished running a marathon. I hear my mothers voice talking softly, I know she had called my father to let him know what had happen. "No no, you don't need to come. I'll talk to her. You know the neighborhood no one is going to say they saw anything." I closed my eyes not wanting to hear the rest of her one sided conversation. "Ok, ok I will see, Love you"
My mother handed me a glass of water. "Drink this honey, it might help calm you down." "OK mom" I sat slowly up in bed and drank slowly. "Mom do you think will ever find her?" "I don't know honey, I told you dad and he said we will try to look for her. Just don't get your hopes up." I know she was trying to comfort me as best she could but at that moment I couldn't been comforted. All I wanted to do is close my eyes and then open them and hear Coqueta outside waiting for me to go out and play with her.
I stretched  out on the bed looking at the ceiling crying thinking about my dog. She was only 3 months and we only had her for a month. The one month was so memorable because she just was a full ball of energy licking and chasing me everywhere. My parents named her Coqueta because her tail was curled and when she walked her hips and tail will swish side to side. Coqueta you know flirt. When I use to go outside and sit on the one of the stair she would curl up beside me and sleep there until I got up. When I was crying she would want to climb on me and lick my tears away.
Sighing deeply renewed tears fell off my face. My first responsibility that I actually enjoyed doing. Who would have thought a 6 year old would love picking up after a dog.. She was my friend the one that held my secrets that only 6 year old can have.  I felt my body start to shake again and I rolled into the fetal position. Slowly everything just starting to fade and my body started to relax. Coqueta I love you was my last thought.

Breaking Free

Sweating the hammer slips through my hand again. Breathing heavily I look at the small hole that I have made. 12 years... I can't believe it, finally I have been able to chip one small pea size hole in of this cold brick wall. Closing my eyes taking a deep breath near the hole. Just like I remembered, a scent of fresh wild flowers that I hope to lay on soon..

Hearing the cackle inside this box tears stream down my face. Please, someone help me. I am trying but 12 years I only have this pea size hole to show for it. I won't give up, I CAN'T. I need to break free and tell it all....

I rub my hands on the worn pants that are paper thin, pick up the hammer raise it over my head and swing towards the pea size hole again. This time when it strikes, I hope I get it to collapse...